Dear Zelda,

At first, I wasn’t sure how to get this letter to you. For a moment, I considered holding my own personal tōrō nagashi, but I considered that over-the-top even for me, the King of Over-the-top. Plus, I wasn’t sure if that would work for Episcopalians. (Perhaps I should try it just to find out.) Finally, I thought, I might as well just post your letter here, “in the ether”; I figured it being here, you would probably find it eventually. I wonder if that’s true, though.

I don’t know why I decided to write to you. After all, we talk all the time, so, in some respect, it is kind of like going backwards. Then again, I do everything in reverse, so it makes sense for me — never mind that I like to write people letters, though not just anyone. Ultimately, I still believe you can say things to people in letters you can’t say to them in any other way. Honestly though, I think you put the idea into my head. It seems like something you would have suggested I do.

While I have a couple of things to tell you, I should first start out by thanking you. I never got to do that in person. I always thought I would have the chance to, at least over the telephone. Why didn’t I call you? Sure, I thought I would always be able to, but mostly, I was too proud for your help — and yet I pester you even today. I know you understand it’s hard to be on the receiving end of help all the time. At that moment, it made me angry that I still needed it — your perennial kindness irked me — but I’m not so proud now.

Zelda, thank you for taking my bullshit “problems” seriously. You never once told me I should do community service or some such non-sense like that. Plus, you always believed in my writing and encouraged me to do it. Do you remember that mantra you made for me? I still say it, occasionally. It chokes me up every time. At first, I thought it consisted of things you wanted for me; finally, I realized it consisted of things I didn’t believe about myself, but which were ultimately true. That’s what gets me about it. You knew. I’m still waiting for the third part to happen, though. Increasingly however, I believe it will.

I don’t know if you’re always around or not — I hope to God you’re not, because that would just be creepy — but the other day something happened which I thought you would appreciate. You were the first person I thought to tell about it. As you know, in every relationship, there often comes a moment when you have nothing to say to the other person, so you reflexively and meaninglessly say “I love you.” This probably happens to everybody, right? Is anyone immune to it? You say the words, which are already immaterial, but, in addition, they are also meaningless, further rending them of any reality.

Well the other day, I said something unexpectedly which I meant with every part of my being. It was, for me at least, the most absolute truth — one of only a few for me. Sometimes you can say a thing so true it becomes physical, tangible; you can reach out and touch it like a doorknob or a coffee mug. What I said then became physically real. This happened to me once before, too. I wonder, now, if these truths function as some sort of fence posts, delineating something — not just what I believe, but who I am, my place in “the Universe,” as you might say. I don’t know; I thought you might appreciate this. Do you think you can touch truth?

I have also been thinking a lot about ‘sensitivity,’ lately. I sense things. I don’t think much of it, though. It is no different than a dog being able to smell more discerningly than a person, or a bird being able to see farther and clearer than one; it is just an acute sense. Others, most likely, have a better sense of balance than me, but I have a better sense of I don’t know what than them. I sense presence, feelings, and the movement of each, I suppose. I also sense truth, regardless of externalities. I also feel things a bit more keenly than others might. Again, I consider it trivial, just a difference, the way women see color “better” than men do.

That means very little. What means something, however, is the conclusion I arrived at this afternoon — that, inevitably, those characteristics come with immense responsibilities. The first one I think I can handle — to communicate my observations, like a scout or look-out, back to the rest of the world. I do that all the time; I write. Of course, I get the most perverse thrill from it, so I can hardly consider it a noble calling. However, the responsibility which troubles me is this: imminently knowing the pains and the joys of being a human also requires me to relieve the pain of those who suffer from it and to bring joy to people who don’t have it. You understand the problem completely, don’t you? It means everyone.

Needless to say, I felt daunted by that, exhausted by just the thought of it, in fact. Without doubt, you can ignore the question for as long as you like, but you can never make the question go away. The question is, “are you going to rise to your responsibilities, or not?” Zelda, I’m going to give myself credit for just acknowledging that a responsibility exists and that a question is there. I can’t possibly handle that awesome burden. I can barely make myself lunch four days in a row. I’m such an idiot. I wish I had asked you more about this when I had the chance. Not about this topic, in particular, but just about why you left everything behind to do what you did. What finally convinced you to do it. I wish I could have known so much more about your experience.

One more thing and I’ll close for now. You’ll love this. A dear friend texted me a pic — she said she thought of me when she saw it — it’s a meme, I guess. I was going to describe it, but why don’t I just include it here, instead?

I love two things about this. One, it’s exactly who I am, and two, she knows that about me. Maybe everyone who knows me knows that about me, though. All the same, I loved it, and not only did I need it, but also it came at the precise right moment. Why does that even surprise me?

OK, I will write again soon. I hope I haven’t kept you from anything more important. How exactly do you spend your time these days? I’m curious. It would be great to get a little advance warning, so I can begin getting my head around it.

Sincerely, and with much love,

David